[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*