if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
