if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse