Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good boy 😂😂

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Look, a pure bread cat!

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

new year update: losing everything but weight

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.