Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here: