If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

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I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.


I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out


Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.


Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.


If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.


I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.


Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!


Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap