i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly