@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

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@_steamy_mac

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

@iGreenMonk

I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

@LaLuchaNix

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

@KaptainKoRnie

Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.

@leapeajo

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

@lmwortho

I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap