Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again