Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

ㅤㅤ

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.