Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again