If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
A short story of betrayal:
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip