Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

I’m Sold!

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”