If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.