Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Whoa 😂

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.