Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.