Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

My Plans 2020