If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Netflix: We have Less
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.