Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Only Americans understand

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.