If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.