If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
You are what you delete.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me when someone tries to get to know me
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours