if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Childbirth is so beautiful
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.