if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
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nobody’s gonna understand
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail