If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
🤣🤣
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Ummm 😳
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
oppen heimer style lol
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream