If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
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Perfection.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”