If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
we’re dead?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.