If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
This kid is a star!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Netflix and you sit over there.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk