If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
how long have you had this for?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”