If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
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constantly working on myself.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?