If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.