Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Where’s my employee discount too?

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

🤨

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.