Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

This guy’s not having it 😆

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*