Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Do not levitate over flowers

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.