Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

The Struggle

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.