Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

That’s commitment

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.