If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Sharon I have some bad news
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …