If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
You Might Also Like
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
This is why I hate group projects
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.