If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I have so many questions.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please