If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
I like crazy people until they notice me
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.