Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

My Guy

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.