If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
two people or more is called a problem
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.