@cwhudson
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
@SwedishCanary
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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@cwhudson
@VerbsRProudest
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
@craiguito
Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?
@_NewLifeNow_
Lady walking her 2 dogs down the street.
Both her dogs poop in my yard.
I asked was she gonna pick it up.
She just looked at me and kept walking.My question is this…
Was it wrong of me to pick it up myself?
Then throw it at her?
@alexlumaga
By age 35 you should be at least 35 years old
@ClichedOut
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
@misslillytoyou
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
@RyDoon
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
@ChaseMit
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
@WFLA
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
