Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.