Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.