Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

Nice try Hitler

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation