If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
me, too, girl. me, too.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast