Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock