If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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this has to be peak English
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.