“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I put the hot in psychotic.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*