Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

That’s classic.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Stonehinge

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser