“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
nyc:
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Wednesday
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.