“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You Might Also Like
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
How times have changed.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.