if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me in tagged photos
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
necessity is the mother of invention
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.