if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here