if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie