if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

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Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.


DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]


90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.


Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.


My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.


Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas


Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.


[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]