If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The French cow says MEUX…
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.