If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
This is my emotional support knife.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Art by Pastelkatto
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?