Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Ok, but like, how married are you?

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”