Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”