If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?