If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Stop.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
#ProTip
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.