If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
6: are snakes just neck?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?