Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

found this cool rock hiking today

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…