Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

😅😅😅

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

W

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.