Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

birds and squirrels envy us

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Based Erika

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.