If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
