If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
me refusing to leave twitter
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
