If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
titanic
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
