If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
