If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
This anagram machine is out of order.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
