I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating