If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
at ease…shoulder.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
the three branches of government
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Put a ring on it
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.