Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

these two trucks have the same bed length

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone