If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy