Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

So that’s what we looked like?

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.