If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room