If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
aura
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time