If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Thursday
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?