If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
God, I love Scotland
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room