Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”