If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.