If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Joseph Smith, 1833
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?