@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

You Might Also Like

@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@Douchekevin

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@MomofTeen

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

@LostFelicia

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

@Carbosly

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

@VerifiedDrunk

Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES