If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.


*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*


I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.


[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.


To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.


A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.


Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.


Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES