If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
so weird how every mom was born today
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.