@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

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@britt_anylynn

The sign at the McDonald’s I just passed says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.

@Browtweaten

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

@HeroineAddict

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

@LoverOfComics94

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

@WilliamAder

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.