“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.