Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.